Push Pause

It's been our routine for the past 6 months.  Get all 3 "big" kids to bed, then sit on the couch next to my man while we watch one of our favorite shows.  You'd think maybe we'd be snuggling on the couch next to one another, but no.  He's feeding Cami a bottle (and eating a snack - because after 4 kids, you learn to be ninja-like in your bottle feeds) while I'm sitting and pumping.  We do this every single night.

But last night, I threw myself down on the couch and instead of beginning the routine, I just sat there and began to cry.  Like a good husband has been trained to do, Chris paused the television and asked me what was wrong.

You see, this whole raising kids thing is hard and it makes me feel like a crazy woman.

No more than 3 months ago, I'm pretty sure I sat on this same couch and cried the same tears because I didn't want to be pumping.  I didn't want to be up all night.  And now I'm crying because I don't want it all to end.  I can see the finish line of nursing inching closer and closer.  I'm holding on with every last thread.  Cami is rolling over now and is almost fitting into her 9 mo. clothes.  Carson will be 4 in March and the twins will be 2 even before that!  While my days are busy, the every day care of the kids is getting easier and easier (never thought you'd hear me say those words, did ya?).

So I sat down last night and it hit me - they get big too fast.

And it's making me so very sad.

Yes, I know we have so many more great stages ahead of us.  And I eagerly wait for those as well.  But right now, today, I really do love this stage that each child is in.  We've found our groove here in this stage and I don't want it to be over.

So, I cried.  And told all of this to Chris.  He says he's ready for the next stage and for what's to come.  I cry again and tell him there's no way I'm letting them all leave my house and go to college one day (because clearly turning 4 in a few months, and learning to roll over is the same as leaving for college, right?).  He answers with "Don't worry babe.  When they're all gone you'll still have me.  You can't ever get rid of me."  He smiles with sunflower seeds stuck all in his teeth.

And that's why I love him.