The End

Last Tuesday was my last pre-natal appointment.  The last one ever (according to our plans!).  I sat in the waiting room and really wanted to be sad and emotional about it all, but I just wasn't.  Maybe because of the fact that I am fat, swollen, and ready to have this baby girl!

Everything checked out fine.  Baby girl is healthy (praise the Lord) and we get to meet her in just three days!.

After the appointment, i went on about the rest of my day, but all the while I felt a little weird.  Didn't really know how to explain it.  Just weird.  Then, that night at dinner, my emotions finally surfaced - shocker! - and I tried my best to explain to Chris how I was feeling.  My thoughts were something along these lines (in no particular order):

- oh my word, we are about to have 4 kids!

- how am I going to do this?

- we just transitioned out of the baby stage with the girls, now we will enter it again.

- will I ever have my energy back again?

- how will I feel holding this sweet baby girl in the hospital and yet knowing that I will never be pregnant again?  (this sounds so contradictory, but it really is how I feel)

- what do i want to do for the next few days while we wait?

- I had a plan for my life.  4 kids in 3.5 years was not something I would have every conceived of, but holy cow, I can't thank the Lord enough for the husband and kids He's given me.

And those were just my thoughts about the baby!  I told Chris tonight that in the past few weeks I feel like I've been a sub par wife, mother and friend.  And all because I am just so tired.

BUT that night I had a Girls' Night Out with some of my favorite women.  I met them through this blog.  I've written about them before here and here.  Somehow, though we met in the most unusual way, these girls have become so special to me.  I love that I can be 110% myself around them.  That means I don't have to pretend that my life is all put together; i.e. that I love my husband perfectly all the time, that my kids behave wonderfully and obey at my first command, that life for me is just easy.  Because it's not.  And because these ladies get it.  They are going through the same things.  Their kids aren't perfect, their marriages aren't perfect, they're not always smiley and happy (although we DO laugh A LOT when we are together) and they don't pretend that life is always good.  I love this about them.  And I love that eash of them loves the Lord.  These women are amazing.  I came home that night and told Chris that I can sit at a table with these girls all night, say whatever I want, be completely myself, and feel not one ounce of judgement.  As a mom, that is such a relief.  I needed that that night.

{thanks Erin for the pics!}

And so this past Tuesday was the beginning of the end for me.  On Wednesday, when we arrive at the hospital to have this baby girl, I will for sure be thinking how we are doing this for the last time.  And how am I supposed to feel about that?  I just don't know.  While I am so ready to not be pregnant in this horrible heat and to once again see my waistline, I am also a little emotional about it all too.

 Maybe I'll just chalk it all up to the hormones.  I mean, my body is raging with them, right?

Good, let's just blame it all on that.